Something I’m really struggling with is knowing whether or not I’m allowed to feel frustrated that I still can’t do so many things, despite the fact I can now do hundreds of small, everyday things that a year ago seemed unreachable.
Because behind every small nagging feeling that I’m still missing out on a huge amount, I feel guilt for even having these thoughts because I’ve got so much more than a year ago me ever did.
But I’m trying to remind myself that while yes, I am doing better, I am still very sick.
So of course I’m still missing out on so many things, I’m just so used to comparing myself to my bedbound me rather than a fully recovered me that it sometimes distorts my perspective on what I can and can’t feel frustrated at.
My day-to-day attitude is undoubtedly 99% gratitude and 1% frustration.
I feel so privileged to wake up and choose what activity I want to spend my small amount of energy on as a year ago I didn’t have this choice.
But there are times when it taxes me how much of my day is still taken up by healing and sleeping, and that I only have a few hours left over to do things I actually want to do.
I’m also experiencing the huge connection between physical and mental energy.
It’s been jarring to find that if I go for a walk, I’ll need mental downtime afterwards.
I think I need to be more gentle with myself and not create this idea that recovery = 100% permanent gratitude.
It’s okay to feel frustrated that even though I’m improving, 80% of my day is still dedicated to maintaining that improvement.
And it’s okay to feel frustrated at discovering that while physical activities are something I’m so grateful to do now, it does also suck a little that it takes all my mental energy too.
I think there’s sometimes a view that those who are recovering can’t feel frustrated as they’ve come so far, or maybe it’s a view I’ve forced upon myself.
So this is me letting myself and anyone else know that whether you’re at 1% or 99%: it’s okay to feel frustrated sometimes that you’re still not at 100%.
And that while I feel gratitude nearly every waking moment, I shouldn’t be harsh towards myself if I have moments where the exasperation of the effort of recovery gets to me too.